


I Want You to Look at Me

by missmaple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, M/M, Truth or Dare, subliminal pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25613662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmaple/pseuds/missmaple
Summary: ”I kissed him, James.” Sirius was nervously twitching on the couch in the almost empty common room, the words only just escaping his strained lips.”Who?” James frowned and continued to stare at Sirius, who, just as intensely, stared back.”Remus.”
Relationships: Remus Lupin & James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 207





	I Want You to Look at Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is the first thing I've written in AGES and also the first fic I've written so I very much do welcome constructive criticism. That is all, I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Also I'm on Tumblr: @youngmissmaple

~~~

”I kissed him, James.” Sirius was nervously twitching on the couch in the almost empty common room, the words only just escaping his strained lips. James looked at him with his big dumb eyes behind his bigger, dumber glasses and ruffled his even bigger, impossibly dumber hair. 

”Who?” James frowned and continued to stare at Sirius, who, just as intensely, stared back. After a quick look around to double check that no one was listening, Sirius leaned in closer.

”Remus.” He dragged his palms against his pant legs and threw a cautious eye at the portrait hole. ”I kissed him, on the mouth.”

”Dude, I know.” James furrowed his brows as Sirius nearly snapped his neck in half turning his attention back to James. ”I was at the party. I dared you.” 

Sirius opened his mouth, closed it again, took a deep, irritated breath and closed his eyes. There were a few minutes of silence between them as the last people left in the common room went up to their dorms. The second they could hear the last door slam closed Sirius bounced. 

”No you don’t understand, James!” He exclaimed as he heavily landed on James’ kneecaps. 

”OW! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” When that sentence wasn’t immediately followed by a self assured comment and a smirk, James stopped rubbing his leg and brought his eyes up to meet Sirius’. ”Are you ok, Padfoot?” 

Just as Sirius opened his mouth to respond the portrait hole opened and in stepped the tall, lanky and slightly exhausted topic of their conversation. 

Remus was just coming back from his rounds around the castle, as were his duty as a prefect. Sirius doubted he had payed much attention to the actual purpose of the round though, as his nose were mere centimeters away from a parchment that looked suspiciously much like the essay that Slughorn had given them the day prior. 

”Hey Remus.” At the sound of James’ voice Remus’ head shot up and his eyes went straight to meet Sirius’. There was a moment of complete stillness before Remus swallowed hard and Sirius couldn’t help but glimpse at his bobbing Adams apple. Sirius blinked as James continued. ”Rough night?” 

”Er… ” The rounds of the night had been uneventful, though even if they hadn’t Remus wouldn’t have noticed. His mind had for the past days been filled with a particular dark haired, sweet tasting and mind boggling boy. ”Sure”

”You going up?” James kept looking back and forth between his two friends, who still hadn’t broken eye contact.

”Yeah… I was gonna look over Slughorn’s new assignment before I go to sleep.” Remus finally looked away and waved the parchment at James on his way to the stairs. He certainly was not. The essay was far away from his priorities right now and the parchment had only been brought along as a way to explain to Lily that he needed to do his rounds alone. 

”Sirius what is goihmpff.” James’ words were cut of as Sirius slapped a hand over his mouth.

”Shut up!” They sat there for a few seconds before Sirius was sure that Remus was on safe distance behind the door to their dorm. Only then did he release James and leaned back on the couch. His heart was hammering in his chest, his palms kept getting sweaty and he had this constant knot in his stomach. He might be sick. Yes, he felt like throwing up. That might be good though, he could go to Madam Pomfrey and stay there until Remus had forgotten about all of this. He pulled a face when he realized that that would be even worse. What was going on?

”Sirius?” James almost whispered his name and reached for his leg. ”What the fuck is happening? Why are you two not talking? You’re scaring me, man.” 

”Remus and I… well mostly I, um, sort of…” Sirius trailed off. He had already told James, twice, tonight. But now that he was really listening and trying to understand it was as if Sirius realized it for the first time as well. 

”Kissed.” James ended the sentence for him. Sirius met his best friend’s worried eyes and nodded. He and Remus had kissed. Without it being a dare, without anyone watching, without being forced to do so. James carefully squeezed Sirius’ leg to make him keep going. So he did.

———————————————————————————

There had indeed been a party last weekend. Most of the Gryffindors were there, about half of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs and even a few Slytherins. It was a huge party. Everyone was having a good time and Sirius was feeling great. He had only had a few drinks and was tipsy in the most delightful way. The Room of Requirement was perfectly modified to fit the occasion. Couches expanding when someone needed a place to sit, tables that refilled the bowls of snacks on their own, music at the perfect volume, a few secluded rooms for alone time and drinks. Lots of drinks. Sirius found himself leaned against a wall admiring his friends, who were talking and laughing by the opposite wall. Or, more specifically, admiring one of his friends. Remus was, of course, wearing a sweater. This time a maroon one with little black speckles. The sleeves were rolled up and exposed a few centimeters of forearm. Sirius’ eyes trailed the silhouette of Remus’ face and almost gasped when suddenly he met a pair of brown eyes. Remus was smiling back at him with a funny look on his face. It was nice seeing Remus having a good time, smiling. 

It was one of Sirius’ favourite things, making Remus laugh. He had such a particular laugh. It started with a harsh blow from his nose. Then came the little humming, followed by an adorable giggle that always made Sirius feel funny in his stomach. After that came the words, ”shut up”, ”that’s insanely stupid”, ”you’re so dumb”, always said with a smirk and a shake of the head. And occasionally, very rarely, came the booming laugh, the laugh that filled an entire room and made Sirius’ chest swell painfully. And right now he could see the giggle that was forming in Remus’ big brown eyes that shone as if on fire in the light from the candles. He sighed. Remus’ eyes were beautiful. Actually, all of Remus was beautiful, come to think of it. 

What? Sirius frowned. No, that can’t be right? Remus wasn’t beautiful. No, he’s just nice to look at because… because of his aesthetic. Yes, that must be it. He felt good to look at because of the aesthetic. His long legs and arms that could wrap around anything and anyone, creating the warmest hugs, the curly light brown hair that framed his face in the loveliest way. The hazel eyes with dark brown splashes that saw right trough every lie that Sirius had ever told and could pin him to the ground in seconds. When Remus’ head was turned to the side, the way it was right now, his neck created this beautiful line from his collarbones to behind his ear. Behind his ear, where the little short hair that would feel so good to run his hands through grew and the soft skin that would surely be the perfect spot to place his… 

Sirius’ eyes stopped at Remus’ lips. His full, red, crooked lips with the scar that sliced the lower lip in two. Sirius followed every movement of said lips as Remus talked to Lily. The way they curved over words and how his tongue would shoot out to wet them every now and then. Sirius was so mesmerized that he didn’t even notice the tap on his shoulder. 

”Pads! Paads!” James’ voice brought him back to life and dissatisfied he turned to face his friend. 

”What?” James had a well known hint of mischief in his eyes as he lent forward to whisper in Sirius’ ear. 

”Let’s play Truth or Dare!” 

A few moments later the majority of the attendants of the party were gathered in a circle. Sirius next to Mary, and Remus on the other side of the room. Not that Sirius cared where Remus sat. 

An empty bottle of firewhisky was placed in the middle of the circle and the game could begin. They got through a few rounds of ”who do you like?” and ”if you had to pick a teacher?” before anything remotely interesting happened. A blushing Alice pressed a small peck on Frank’s cheek before quickly spinning the bottle again. Sirius sat comfortably leaned back with a lollipop lazily hanging from his mouth. He had already asked out the Fat Lady as well as confessed to being down to do it with Dumbledore if he got the chance, much to everyone’s amusement. The bottle was slowing down, passing Peter, James, Lily, Marlene, Fabian and Mary before coming to a halt in front of Sirius. 

”Truth or dare, Sirius?” Sirius looked at Alice with disbelief in his eyes.

”Dare. Of course.”

”Oi Alice! Iss it okay if I do Sirius n’stead? You give such boring dares!” James immediately got his arm slapped by Lily. ”What? It’s true.”

”It’s fine James” Alice sighed but couldn’t hide her giggle as Frank sent James the finger. 

”Alright Sirrrus!” James had definitely had a bit to much to drink and was now pointing a shaky finger at Sirius. ”You’ve gotten away easily tonight buddy! I want youu to kisssomebody!”

”Oh please let it be Dumbledore!” Sirius crossed his fingers and looked pleadingly at James as laughter filled the room. 

Across the circle a pair of hazel brown eyes with dark brown splashes met Sirius’. Remus was smiling, shaking his head and Sirius could almost see the air coming out of his nose. It filled Sirius’ stomach with that same old weird feeling and for a second they were the only ones in the room. Sirius’ eyes trailed Remus’ face, as they so often did and landed on his lips just as a little pink tongue shot out to wet them. The light sheen of saliva made Sirius’ cheeks heat up. He suddenly felt the urge to crawl across the room and forget everything else. 

Wait what? Sirius shook his head but wasn’t allowed more time to think as James’ voice once again cut through his imagination.

”Oh no no no Sirrurs, let’s spin!” James then proceeded to promptly fall on his face on his way to the bottle, causing Lily to come to his rescue and spinn the bottle for him. 

As the bottle spun Sirius couldn’t help but glance at Remus again. The light brown curls covering a ”nasty scar” of his forehead. Remus’ words. Sirius didn’t think they were nasty, not at all. He often thought that Remus’ scars were sort of beautiful. He could look at them for hours. Trail the way they followed the curves of the body and how they would create a unique painting on the skin. He had seem most of them, Remus wasn’t as hesitant to take off his shirt around them anymore. Although sometimes when he walked around the dorm topless Sirius would get that weird feeling in his stomach and he would have to go to the bathroom for a bit.

The bottle rattled on the stone floor and it seemed like it would never slow down. Sirius swallowed and dragged a hand through his hair. He looked at Remus who was staring intently at the bottle. Spinning slower and slower with every turn. Remus was nervously biting his lip, his eyes following the bottle. Sirius could feel a nervousness creeping up on himself as well. Why was he nervous? He had kissed most of the people in this room before in scenarios similar to this one. As the bottle slowed down even more he sat up straight and watched Remus’ expression. His eyebrows knitted together and lip between his teeth. The bottle was almost still. Remus must have felt Sirius’ eyes because he looked up and their eyes interlocked. Sirius smiled, a smile that he hoped came off as calm and cool. Remus looked at him with that funny face again and furrowed his brows. They both looked away and watched as the bottle, with it’s last efforts, spun past Dorcas, Alice, Frank and Gideon before it abruptly stopped. 

Time stood still. Sirius felt the hairs on his neck stand straight out. He slowly lifted his eyes from the bottle and met the eyes of it’s victim. A pair of hazel eyes with dark brown splashes met his. Remus looked terrified. Sirius was confused, because he felt the same. 

“Well, well, well!” James’ voice cut through their bubble and Sirius quickly regained his perceived confidence. “Lads, make love!”

Remus looked like he might throw up as he threw Sirius a smile. It was nothing like the wonderful smiles that Sirius was used to seeing on his friends’ face. He tried to search for Remus’ eyes but the other boy wouldn’t look at him. Slowly Remus stood up and Sirius was sure he would bolt out of the room.

”Come on then Sirius.” Remus instead had taken two big steps into the circle and shoved his hands in his pockets. Sirius’ eyes climbed Remus’ body. Legs, torso, neck, chin, mouth. Finally he met Remus’ eyes and almost dropped his lollipop. Remus was seemingly just looking at him but for some reason it felt like so much more. Without breaking eye contact, Sirius rose to his feet and took the final step towards Remus. Carefully he pulled the lollipop from his lips and swallowed. 

”Come ooon!” James slapped the ground and sighed and a few of the others laughed. 

”Shut it.” Sirius hissed and glared at his best friend.

Without warning Remus’ hands shot out to grab Sirius’ face and turned it. Without hesitation he closed his eyes and pressed their lips together. It was rough, their noses clashed together and Sirius’ eyes were watering. But it didn’t matter because Remus’ hands were on his face, he could feel the warmth of him on his lips and then- it was over. 

As Remus let go of his face and hurried back to his seat Sirius stumbled backwards. His hand reached up to touch his lips. 

Woah.

He must have turned around and gone back to his seat because the game continued but Sirius couldn’t care less. As the attention shifted and he was no longer in the center of it he looked at Remus. The other boy had curled up and wrapped his arms around his legs. Still, Sirius could see him biting his lip and his flushed cheeks. Sirius sighed as his chest swell.

——————————-

The kiss still burned on Sirius’ lips as he was walking back to the common room. James was off trying to seduce Lily and Peter had probably already gone to bed. There was no-one there to distract him from his thoughts. 

As soon as the game had ended Remus had sprinted out of the room and hadn’t been seen since. Sirius shook his head. This was so confusing. It hadn’t been a good kiss. It was too hard and his nose still kind of hurt. But for some reason it didn’t matter. How could something that felt so wrong feel so right? 

Why was he still thinking about it? He could still feel Remus’ hands on his cheeks and he could see the hazel eyes in front of him. Why? He couldn’t understand. Why was he thinking so much about Remus?

The more he thought about it the more confused he got. It wasn’t that he had never thought of Remus before. He did that quite often. The way his nose scrunches up when he smiles, the way he glares at the other three when they get in trouble and that very special look he sometimes gives Sirius when they are all alone. Sirius stopped with a sigh and leaned against a wall. The coarse stone scraped his back trough the thin material of his shirt. A pair of Ravenclaws walked past him hand in hand on their way to bed. He sighed and thought about the look on Remus’ face as the bottle had landed on him. The sheer terror. Was Remus scared of kissing him? Why?

Sirius groaned and turned on his heel. He had so many questions. He needed air.

The astronomy tower was usually a good place when you needed some alone time to think. The chilly night wind swept over Sirius’ skin and trough his hair. He leaned against the railings looking out over the castle grounds. His fingers ghosted over his lips and he felt himself blush at the thought of the boy who had kissed them. 

Believing himself to be alone with the stars he loudly groaned and sunk to the floor. 

”Fuckiddy fuck fucking fuck” he muttered under his breath swinging his legs of the edge of the tower.

”Sirius?” Suddenly a quiet little voice came from the shadows and Sirius shot up from the floor, managing to bang his head on the railings. 

”Ah shit! Remus?” Vigorously rubbing his head he looked around for a body connected to the voice. Soon a tall, brown haired boy with a maroon sweater stepped into the light provided by a sliver of the moon. 

A few quiet seconds went by when the two boys just looked at each other. Remus with his lip between his teeth and Sirius rubbing his head. 

”Are you okay?” Carefully Remus took a few steps towards Sirius. Feeling his heart beat pick up Sirius frowned. 

”Uh yeah! Just slammed my head in the stupid bar…” He got quiet when Remus came even closer and reached out a hand. 

”Can I?” Sirius stared at the boy in front of him and nodded. Yes, of course. Whatever you want. The moon lit up Remus’ face as he took the last step and ended up mere centimeters from Sirius. Unable to decide where to look Sirius ended up staring at Remus’ mouth. That turned out to be a bad decision as he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that those red, puffy lips that were now caught between Remus’ teeth had been kissing him not long ago. It was especially hard when he felt Remus’ fingers stroke his hair out of the way, carefully placing a cold hand on his head. 

”Does this hurt?” Sirius shook his head. Nothing hurt. In fact, he couldn’t feel anything other than the memory of Remus’ lips on his. He couldn’t look Remus in the eyes. Why, he wasn’t completely sure. He just knew that the feeling in his stomach would get a hell of a lot stronger if he did. 

Remus had brought out his wand and was quietly murmuring something while pointing it to Sirius’ head. Once again Sirius was mesmerized by the way Remus’ lips moved. After a while he found himself moving his own lips trying to match Remus’. Mentally slapping himself he stopped and took a deep breath. However, instead of the refreshing air he had hoped for he inhaled the warm and comforting scent of the other boy. Had Remus always smelt this good?

”Hmm, you might get a little bump but I don’t think it’ll be as visible now.” Remus brought him back to reality by dragging his hand from Sirius’ hair down to his cheek. His voice was low and coarse. It really shouldn’t make Sirius’ stomach flutter the way it did. As Remus’ hand stopped at his chin Sirius felt himself lean into it. This wasn’t good. He liked the way Remus touched him. Why did he like the way Remus touched him? 

In an attempt to meet Sirius’ eyes Remus lifted his chin and watched as Sirius opened his eyes. For a moment the two boys just looked at one another. Scanning each other’s faces, looking for clues as to what the other boy was thinking. Desperately trying to see if what they were feeling was okay. Sirius broke the silence first.

”You disappeared.” The words came almost like a whisper. Sirius watched as Remus’ face shifted. The warmth faded from his eyes and instead they were filled with anxiety. Terrified for the moment to end Sirius reached up and grabbed Remus’ wrist. ”Why?”

Remus’ hand trembled against Sirius’ cheek. It hurt to see Remus this scared. Eyes big like a deer in headlights and mouth tightly shut. 

”Why, Remus?” Sirius pushed on. 

”I… ” Remus bit his lip and looked pleadingly at Sirius. His cheeks flaming hot. He slowly released his hand from Sirius’ grip and let it fall to his side. ”Don’t…”

The moment was slipping away. Sirius panicked. He didn’t exactly know what he was feeling but he knew that he would regret letting Remus go without an explanation. As the other boy turned around to leave Sirius felt his body move on it’s own accord. His hand shot out and grabbed Remus by the hand. In a somewhat smooth movement Sirius had Remus pinned to the wall. He caught Remus’ face in his hands and forced their eyes to meet. For a moment everything was still. Nothing but the quiet sounds of the night and the two boys breathing each other’s air. Remus’ eyes was still enlarged and filled with worry. But there was something else there as well. Something Sirius couldn’t get enough of. He carefully let go of Remus’ heated cheeks. 

Without warning Remus furrowed his eyebrows and soared forward, grabbing Sirius by the shoulders and slamming him into the wall this time. Sirius blinked. He couldn’t feel the pain in his back. He couldn’t really feel anything at the moment. Not with Remus above him, holding him with his strong hands. As if Remus suddenly realized what he had done his mouth fell open and he let out a shocked little gasp. His eyes flicking between Sirius’ eyes and lips in rapid movements. 

”Sirius.” Remus’ voice was raspy as his lower lip trembled. Sirius didn’t know what he should do. The boy in front of him was his friend. Despite that, he sure as hell knew what he wanted to do. So he did just that. 

As their lips touched a second time that night Sirius was on top of the world. This kiss was more intense than the first one, less awkward nose bumping and more hands in hair - tugging, feeling. He could feel Remus’ chest move as he breathed, heavy, deep breaths. The feeling of Remus’ hands caressing his cheeks made Sirius blush all the way down his chest. Everything was good in the world. Until Remus harshly pulled away. 

”I’m sorry.” 

And before Sirius had even opened his eyes Remus was halfway down the stairs.

————-

”So, yeah. That’s pretty much what happened.” Sirius had been carefully avoiding James’ eyes while telling his best friend about the events of last weekend. Now he was waiting for the doom. When James didn’t say anything Sirius couldn’t help himself. He turned and looked at his friend. James had a deep crease between his eyebrows and chewed his lip. Sirius let him think and after a few minutes he finally opened his mouth. 

”But, Remus is a boy.” Sirius closed his eyes. He felt the ground disappear beneath him. His stomach turned inside out as he tried to keep from crying. 

”James.” His voice tiny and thick, pleading. It was a miracle James could hear him at all. He forced his eyes open and faced his best friend, his brother. 

”What?” James’ eyes widened with realization. ”No, NO! Sirius! NO! That is not what I meant at all! Oh god, Padfoot!” James reached for Sirius and pulled him close. Feeling James’ arms around him as well as hearing him quietly scold himself was the last straw. Sirius’ eyes overflowed and he could breath again. Sniffling and wiping his face he sat up. 

”Stupid.” Sirius muttered as he tried to hide his smile.

”I’m sorry! I just didn’t know!” James exclaimed flinging his arms out. Sirius frowned.

”Know what?”

”That you’re gay.” James smiled at him. Sirius did not smile back. 

”I’m not gay.” He folded his arms and turned away from James who blinked at him. There was a moment of hesitation before James sighed. 

”What?” He looked at Sirius as if he had said that owls couldn’t fly. 

”I’m not gay.” Sirius insisted but before he could even finish the sentence James burst out laughing. ”What’s so funny?!” 

James was laying down on the couch cradling his stomach, howling. It annoyed Sirius tremendously.

”I’m having a crisis here, do you mind?” Sirius spat. James rolled over, wiping his eyes. His face red from laughing and glasses tilted. 

”Sorry, sorry.” He sat up and looked at Sirius. Still a hint of laughter in his eyes, mixed with pure interest and love. ”But you are, aren’t you?” 

Sirius hesitated. He considered it. He knew what it meant. Boys kissing boys. Girls kissing girls. He had kissed girls before. Several. But none of them had really stuck. He had also kissed one boy. And that had changed his life. The lean muscles, strong jaw and big hands had him feel ways he shouldn’t. So he thought about girls and the soft skin and fluffy body parts. The sweet smell of a girl and boobs. Most girls have boobs. And other body parts that most boys do not have. Sirius pulled a face, appalled. 

”What are you thinking about?” James was staring at him, seemingly trying to read his mind. 

”Girls.” Sirius sighed. ”James, I think I’m gay.” 

James didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to hug or touch Sirius in any way. He just sat there. And Sirius felt that he didn’t need to do more. They were good. James understood and it was fine. 

”I think you should talk to Remus.” James said after a few moments. Sirius felt himself getting dizzy just thinking about doing what James suggested and shook his head. No way. ”Come on, it’s not that big of a deal.”

”Are you thick?! I kissed Remus you twat!” How could he not think it was a big deal? It was the one and only thing Sirius had been able to focus on since the second their lips parted. It was the biggest deal in his life. 

”No, I know. I just don’t think that you are that good at Legilimency yet and you might wanna know what Remus is thinking.” Sirius glared at James. He was right. For once he was right. 

”What would I even say?” Suddenly a tremendous fear settled in Sirius’ stomach. Sirius Black had never really been scared of rejection before. He was the cocky, unbreakable heartthrob. He was the one rejecting others. What if Remus had been avoiding him because he didn’t like Sirius? What if he was disgusted by what they had done? What if-

”Sirius.” James stopped his train of thought. ”You have never been able to shut up in your entire life. What makes you think that’s gonna happen now? Just tell him how you feel but make sure you don’t tell him you love him just yet. He might try to slap you.” Sirius snorted.

”Speaking from experience, Prongs?” 

”Fuck off.”

_____________

With his hand on the doorknob Sirius froze. Should he knock? It’s his own dorm. He carefully twisted the knob and cringed at the familiar creak the door made as he pushed it open. After a quick scan of the room without spotting Remus he decided that this was stupid and dumb and that he should just head downstairs again and pretend like it never happened. 

”Sirius?” Remus had come out of the bathroom just as Sirius had turned around. Sirius’ grip on the doorknob tightened and he immediately felt a shiver down his spine. Fuck. 

”Ye-es?” Turning around to face Remus Sirius tried to get his head to work out a plan to get out of this. He could, obviously, not come up with anything as his brain completely stopped working when he saw Remus. 

The boy had slightly damp hair that exploded with dark brown curls, a loose sweater showing his collar bones and a pair of gray sweatpants. His cheeks and neck still rosy from the heat of the shower. He looked so… cozy. 

”Where’s James?” Remus looked behind Sirius seemingly trying to make sure they weren’t alone. He had started tugging on his sweatshirt and was once again chewing his lower lip. There’s no way Sirius could tell him everything now. The boy was scared of even being in the same room as him. How could he reveal his feelings and expect Remus to react in any other way than to jump out the window? Maybe they should just forget it. They were drunk, stuff happens. They didn’t have to talk about it. However, he would have to say something soon because the silence was eating at him as each second passed. 

His voice almost betraying him, Sirius finally spoke. ”He’s, um, down.” 

”Down?” Remus raised an eyebrow. ”He’s not coming up?”

For a split second Sirius thought he heard something in Remus’ voice. Something that made him lift his head and meet Remus’ eyes. And there it was again. A hint of something that, if Sirius hadn’t known better, he would have mistaken for hope. 

”Not… right now. Why?” 

Now it was Remus’ time to stumble on his words. He licked his lips and took a step forward, all without breaking eye contact.

”I, uh, sort of think we should maybe, talk.” As he spoke his cheeks and neck slowly turned a dark red instead of the light pink caused by the shower. ”About… you know.”

Sirius knew. 

With a little nod Remus turned around which gave Sirius a few seconds to think. He rubbed a hand over his face and took a deep breath. Fuck, here we go.

The boys sat down on their beds, both too nervous to look each other in the eyes. Sirius watched Remus’ hands. They kept tugging at the sweatshirt and twisting in his lap. His nails bitten short and cuticles damaged due to his constant fiddling with them. Most people would probably not think much of those hands but Sirius knew how they felt on his face, in his hair and on his shoulders. He also knew how it felt when those chewed lips touched his. And sweet Merlin would he love to feel it again. 

Seconds passed without any sound. Sirius’ leg was bouncing and he kept twisting the rings on his fingers. Remus was looking at him. He couldn’t see it but he felt it. Eyes burning holes in his head. But he didn’t dare to meet those eyes. Instead he kept watching Remus’ hands. 

”I’m sorry.” Remus’ words were small and breathy. Sirius didn’t look up.

”For what?”

”You know what.” Yes. Sirius knew. But he wished Remus would keep talking. Not just because of his nice voice but because he always knew what to say. Remus used big words and long sentences. He had this gift of making sense. Sirius always messed things up when trying to explain stuff. 

”It’s okay, Remus.” Remus snorted and Sirius cringed. He had messed up.

”It’s okay? That’s why you’ve been ignoring me for a bloody week?” Remus had sharpened his voice and Sirius could feel the eyes burning deeper in his skull. Without looking up he responded. 

”I- I haven’t been ignoring y-”

”You’re not even looking at me right now!” He was cut off by Remus’ raised voice. A cold, heavy knot of shame and guilt settled in Sirius’ stomach. It hurt hearing Remus’ voice so filled with anger and pain. It hurt hearing it raised. ”Look at me Sirius!” 

His voice loud and stinging. Sirius swallowed and nodded. Hearing Remus raise his voice was not common. It was generally something reserved for werewolf related things. Remus had never screamed at Sirius before. He wasn’t really screaming now either but it was dangerously close. All too familiar with raised voices Sirius knew where this was going. Screaming voices was something he knew how to deal with, he could handle this. He just needed some time to get over the fact that it was Remus screaming. His eyes burned with shame and tears threatening to come. He wanted to look at Remus, he really did. He wanted to tell him everything and come clean. But, he just couldn’t. Remus sighed and opened his mouth again. Expecting the same volume as before, Sirius shut his eyes.  
”Please look at me.” Instead there came a whimper. High pitched and quiet. Sirius’ eyes snapped open. The desperation and heaviness in the words making them impossible to ignore. Their eyes met and Sirius wanted to curse himself. In front of him sat a boy desperately trying to hold himself together. Eyes red and swollen, lips between teeth and eyebrows tightly knitted together. 

”Just look at me.”

”I am, Remus.” Now unable to look away, Sirius wanted to get closer. With Remus crying in front of him he stopped thinking and forgot to be scared. He got down on the floor and carefully placed his hands on Remus’ knees. Remus stiffened and Sirius could hear his own pulse pounding in his ears. 

For a second he thought he saw the same spark in Remus’ eyes again. A ghost of something before Remus abruptly stood up and took a few steps away from Sirius. 

”Ah, no you’re not.” Remus fisted his hands and almost seemed to chuckle as he spoke. Sirius rose confused and watched Remus pace the floor. ”Not really.” 

”Wha- what do you mean?” 

“You’re not...” Remus stopped by the window. ”You’re not looking at me.”

Sirius, staring at the back of Remus’ head, tried his hardest to understand. He couldn’t and it irritated him immensely. ”If you fucking turn around you’ll see that I really am.” 

Remus slapped the window sill and spun around. His curls now dry and bouncy. He let out a breath that sounded more like a sob and dragged a hand over his mouth. As Sirius took a step forward Remus rolled his eyes and smiled. A sad, sad smile. ”Not the way I want you to.” 

Sirius threw his arms out and shook his head. ”Merlin Remus, tell me what you mean! I am clearly looking at you but you keep telling me to lo-”

”Dammit Sirius, I want you to look at me!” Remus cut him off with a roar. Breathing heavily Sirius snorted. ”The way you look at those girls!”

”I DON’T LOOK AT GIRLS!”

And there it was. Out in the open. Sirius didn’t look at girls. Having said it Sirius felt the world stood still. Everything was quiet. He was chocked at how easy it had been to just say it. By the looks of it Remus was pretty chocked as well. 

”Really?” Remus broke the silence.

Sirius closed his mouth that he had left open and stood up straighter. ”Yes, really”. 

The two boys looked at each other with new eyes. The adrenaline in Sirius’ blood was intoxicating. His heart beat so hard he could hear his own pulse in his ears. As if acting on instinct Sirius took a few steps forward, ending up right in front of Remus. Somewhere in the distance an owl hooted quietly as Sirius slightly raised his head.

For a third time Sirius looked into Remus’ eyes and saw something. However, this time it was a lot easier to read.

”Sirius” Remus breathed. Sirius didn’t want to screw this up by saying something dumb so he just nodded. ”Can I kiss you?”


End file.
